The Petrol Tank Accident/Incident Just a bit of fun

[Disco Smiley]

The Petrol Tank Accident/Incident (you decide which)
Mid January, the petrol tank springs a leak, two, or three, so orders another one.
Not a hard job thinks I.
Shiny new tank arrives in big box on the Friday morning.
Digs landrover out of snowdrift and sets about removing old tank.
Big front bolts come out no prob.
Anti-roll bar bolts come out no prob.
Rear crossmember bolts appear to have been tig/mig/brazed and glued in place, then I had a Darwin Award moment and grabbed a blowtorch, figured a bit of heat wouldn't do too much harm......
Yes, I had remembered to drain the old tank, and fill it full of water, I may be blond but I'm not stupid...
Of course it hadn't entered my tiny little mind that the leaking would petrol would have filled the void between the tank and the cradle......
Sparks up blowtorch.
Carefully applies generous amounts of heat to recalcitrant nylock F%$£%ING WOOF! the petrol in the void instantly turns to carbon, carbon dioxide and water vapour; so do my eyebrows, eyelashes, nasal hairs (you just can't get away from that smell, can you) most of my beard ('tash survived though - can't fathom that one out), a goodly proportion of my fringe and all my street cred. The snow did prevent the conflagration from spreading too far though. In addition, the flash fire removed the flaky paint from the rear crossmember.Still, it's an ill wind so they say.
Tells children not to eat the yellow and brown snow underneath the landrover!
Retires to the kitchen, picks wife up from the floor once she had stopped laughing her tits off, stops child number one from calling the fire brigade. No sympathy there then. Has lots of coffee and shaves remnant of beard off. Puts on clean underwear. Explains to children 2-4 that only adults are allowed to use those words.
Back to removing tank fortified with dutch courage/bravado and a great deal of crass stupidity.
Used an angle grinder this time, only two rusty/seized 13mm nylocks to remove, should take thirty seconds each. Shame I forgot my goggles...... Now that stung a wee bit. Still, I'm a hard Geordie. Puts goggles on. Fires up grinder again.
At this point, I must remind everyone that I am lying underneath a tank full of about 18gallons of water that is held in place by a single 13mm nylock. I'm also partially blind in one eye and simply cannot get away from the stink of burning hair.
Nut gone, tank drops a couple of feet. Luckily, my head, neck and chest prevented it from hitting the ground too hard. Children 1-4 learn a whole new range of words that only adults are allowed to use. For once, my wife responds to the screams of agony and comes out to see what I'm up to. Between her and the next-door neighbour, they managed to raise the tank up high enough to drag me out.
Job stopped.
Quick trip to Carlisle casualty, really glad I put clean underwear on (damn it my mother was right you know). Ribs are only bruised a wee bit. The right eye mind you has enough scrap mental embedded in to be worth weighing in. Wife still pi£$%^g herself laughing. 4 hours later, scrap metal removed. Go home, get Mildly miffed.
Saturday cancelled due to lack of interest. Well apart from giving the new tank a couple of coats of black Hammerite, putting fuel pump and sender unit in.
Sunday dawns, notices that my ribs are actually blacker than the petrol tank and my right eye has swelled alarmingly. Takes painkillers, lots of painkillers. Not interested in working on landrovers.
Monday arrives and I'm full of vigour (well codein/asprin/paracetomol and ibuprofen).
Heads out to put new, very shiny tank in.
Takes less than half an hour.
Dead chuffed. Puts key in ignition, turns it.
Nothing happens. Battery must be flat.
BUGGER.
Puts jump leads on, still nothing.
BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER.
Starter clicks, must be jammed(actually frozen solid, but lets not quibble over minor details for now)
Taps starter solenoid with big bit of metal and small hammer. Still nothing. Gets bigger hammer from garage.
Smacks big bit of metal with really big hammer really hard.
CRACK
The wretched solenoid housing parts company with the starter. Lots of sparks, bad language blue smoke and bad temper. Contents of toolbox sail majestically into garden undergrowth.
Orders new starter motor over the phone. Gets Mildly miffed and has more painkillers.
Tuesday arrives, new starter motor does not. Spends the day recovering toolbox contents from undergrowth in garden. Very impressed with how far I had flung my half-inch ratchet.
Wednesday and the starter arrives. Sets about removing the old one. Finds that previous owner had no brains, the two bolts that hold the starter in place are:
1.Non standard and different head sizes (alarm bells begin to ring very loudly).
2.Torqued up to about 4000000ft lbs.
3.Brittle as hell due to the cold weather.
Snaps both of them.
BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER
Never mind at least the bloody thing is out.
Top mounting bolt fragment comes out quite easily with a pair of mole grips.
Bottom one is cross threaded
Three hours later and this fragment too is removed (don't ask how, it really would give you nightmares), it was only in by about 10 threads. Runs tap down hole to clean the threads and goes to find two new, correct, bolts. Fits motor. Connects motor.
Puts key in, engine turns over at about 3000rpm.
Job DONE!!!!!
Wife goes to work in it.
AA brings it home on a low loader.
F**K F**K F**K
Nice AA man reckons the wiring to the fuel pump is not well. Actually fried to buggery if you want the truth - I wonder just how hot a blow torch/flash fire flame gets.
Orders necessary wiring and connectors.
Refuse to pay for wife’s taxis to and from work. Buggers’ not laughing now is she.
Friday and the wiring bits arrive. Installed in less than half an hour.
Engine starts, but won't run.
too many BUGGERS to type
Out with the trusty multi meter. Got electrickery at the wiring to the fuel pump, but the pump is not pumping.
more BUGGERS than you can imagine
Contemplate buying a Jap four-wheel drive. Have minor heart attack when I find out how much landrover want for a genuine fuel pump. Order cheap one.
Take petrol tank out (much easier this time and no personal damage) How I love copper slip.
Find out why pump failed, when I stopped the old petrol tank from hitting the ground, by using various parts of my anatomy, the live wire had broken at the point where it enters the fuel pump and is sealed with what appears to be acrylic of some sort. Therefore, it was occasionally making contact, but not all the time.
Never mind new pump installed, tank back in, Landrover works. More or less. The fuel gauge took to telling bigger lies than a MP trying to get elected.
Flash forward several months and more electrical gremlins with the fuel gauge/sender and everything more or less works, fuel gauge still tells porkies, but I now know why, the float is catching on an internal baffle (borrowed a bore scope to work that one out). But for some odd reason I really can't be arsed to take the tank out again to rectify it. Beard, eyebrows, nasal hair has grown back (can still smell burnt hair though)
So all in all it effectively took 7 months to swap out a leaking petrol tank.

[Elders]

WELL written !!

[BansheeZA]

very well written! Had a huge laugh thanx

[TedP]

Excellent post! Thanks, you made me laugh & I needed that.

[AMA-ZING]

Good laugh - always excellent therapy. Will remember to grow beard before attempting to remove pertol tank !!
Snowdrift in Alberton ??

[petrolhead]

Hilarious!

[SarelF]

Very good!! HA HA HA!!

[SinWolf]

BUMP !!

Just HAD to !!

Buwhahahahahahahah...


Typical LR content :-)

[SteveW155]

WHAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA.....!!!

Actually I see a problem here: the author is undisclosed (does it snow in Alberton in December?) AND it makes mockery of english speaking Albertonians!!

Gggmmmpffff... bwaaahahaha... snort...hehehe

[SinWolf]

WHAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA.....!!!

Actually I see a problem here: the author is undisclosed (does it snow in Alberton in December?) AND it makes mockery of english speaking Albertonians!!

Gggmmmpffff... bwaaahahaha... snort...hehehe

Geeeeeeeeeeeessssss..... With all that Alfa's in the garage.... Surely you MUST know my one friend in Heidelberg... Also an Alfa fanatic.... Buys and sells the stuff as hobby, even his race car is an old Alfa... I mean... there cant be more than two guys in SA with such a love for Alfa's... Can there

[Danie S]

Very well written - made me think about 35 years back.
Ever tried to remove one of those from a Simca 1000.
It is located between the engin and fire wall (rear engined vehicle).
Ended up returming it into position and using pratley glue to fix the crack at the nek of the tank after 3 days of discussing the problem with the vehicle in quite descriptve language. Consumed quite a lot of very cold ones in the process.

[Andrew5336]

There's a whole series of these - written by a guy in the UK.

My best one:

Waxoil….

I really wanted to get some of this into the Land Rover's chassis before I started using it, so tonight was planned to be the night for waxoiling the inside of the chassis….

I had gone to Halfords and bought 2 gallons, and knocked off work early…

I also had the real benefit that SWMBO was out tonight, so I had since 3.00pm been shoving the 2 gallon cans into the sink with near boling water…….

I should have known things were going to go “slightly wrong” when I started….

I decided to use a Waxoil gun, and my compressor, I had the propane burner on in the workshop since 3.00pm flat out and it was like the sahara, in fact it was so hot I decided a T shirt and shorts was the dress code………

Grabbing some white spirit to further thin the waxoil I entered the kitchen and unscrewed the waxoil lid…

Thhhhuuuumpppppppp !…grwat big snotty big dollop spewed out over the kitchen worksurface........, no probs I thought, ...I’ll sort that out when I’ve finished, as I might make "a little bit more mess yet", .....glad Sues not in….

Clutching bloody hot waxoil injector thingy, part filled with waxoil and mixed with very very warm white spirit I squirted and soaked the chassis blasting away, and also practising holding my breath .....as it went misty in the workshop….

1 Gallon later I was nearly there, I was at the rear cross member, with yet another huge refill…….

I ought to point out that I had also decided that at some of the angles I was at pulling and holding the trigger was a pain in the ar&e...( I have a really bad back) so I had devised a cunning lock of an elastic band on the trigger so that I could let it do it things whilst it sprayed away……

Shove tube into hole and pull trigger….lock and waggle etc…

Enter my wifes love of her life…..

The cat….

It sat there and looked at me the way only a cat can….it sniffed (unapprovingly) the dripped waxoil, and I said…

“Huh, you don’t want to be in here matey, this stuff will stick to your fur like sh*t to a blanket”……and at that very point the jammed on tube extension came off the gun…

Could I release the elastic band round the trigger ?…

Could I boll*cks….

The gun squirted warm waxoil/white spirit out at a force never so far experienced, one particularly good jet hit the cat, who bolted, knocking over the 2/3 empty (1/3 full!!) can of hot waxoil/white spirt mix, which flowed oh so well under the landy, and into my clothes T shirt and clothes and skin areas exposed..., but I was still fighting with the hot octopus trying to switch the damned thing off, but I failed, I was saved when it just ran out…..

Just when I thought nothing could get worse than lying under a Land Rover with waxoil soaked clothes, waxoil dripping onto my hair and face, and running into my ears….

Some waxoil drpped onto the lead lamp….

Ping….

Blackness…….

Blackness as it also pinged the fuse for the lighting circuit, getting myself out of the underneath of the landy proved friutfull, in that I knew all the places that waxoil had “leaked” ……

Removing dripping clothes I entered house in “minimal Clothes” to resolve fuse prob, when Lights went on I saw the cat…

I AM GOING TO DIE IF SHE SEES THIS !

Here Puddie cattie……

This did not improve the sink/kitchen area one little jot, .....ever tried holding a 'waxoiled cat' in a sink with water and rags, and especially when cat does not enjoy it ?….

1 hour later cat was scrubbed and very piss7d off with me, I’ve had 2 baths, and also cleaned the bath it seems that the bath will not be rusty….scrubbed kitchen fllor, sink, worktop

Will she notice….

Cat stinks, garage sticks, alley way stinks, I stink, kitchen smells of lemon washing up liquid, which strangely we seem to nearly be out of ?….floor stinks……

She will be back any minute…….

[gulp]

Nice job on the Landy tho....... ))


....UPADTE...............

...later that evening......

Alleyway door closes and SWMBO walks in.....

"have a nice time dear ?......."

"what the HELL is that smell ?"

"Smell ?....er do you mean the waxoil ?"

"Is that what it is - its disgusting"

"Er..really"....

"yes really, the alleyway stinks, I mean I could smell it when I got out of the car..."

"er...really ?"

"yes, Really, I mean my G*d its stinking everywhere out, its even permutated the house "

"really"

"yes really and [ picks up cat - I look away at telly and pray]...and ....good grief even the cat smells of it its ....[ at this point the cat growls at Sue.....probably hand enough of being "handled" during the evening...]..."WELL if your going to be like that madam you grumpy old thing" ...[places cat down firmly - cat grumbles some more].. cat exits still grumbling

"Charming.........well.....Anyway, have you finished.........?"


THOUGHTS...............

I've got away with it...."yes dear thanks"...
I've got away with it...."all done"...I've got away with it...."think I'll have a beer"...I've got away with it....I've got away with it...."Would you like a glass of wine ?"....I've got away with it....yippee....I've got away with it....and

SHE'S GOT THE HUMP WITH THE CAT TOO - NOT ME !!

Beer....

Bed....

RESULT....... !

But a bit close for comfort......far to close

[Trooper4x4]

Brilliant ! More please please please !!

[sout]

The Petrol Tank Accident/Incident (you decide which)
Mid January, the petrol tank springs a leak, two, or three, so orders another one.
Not a hard job thinks I.
Shiny new tank arrives in big box on the Friday morning.
Digs landrover out of snowdrift and sets about removing old tank.
Big front bolts come out no prob.
Anti-roll bar bolts come out no prob.
Rear crossmember bolts appear to have been tig/mig/brazed and glued in place, then I had a Darwin Award moment and grabbed a blowtorch, figured a bit of heat wouldn't do too much harm......
Yes, I had remembered to drain the old tank, and fill it full of water, I may be blond but I'm not stupid...
Of course it hadn't entered my tiny little mind that the leaking would petrol would have filled the void between the tank and the cradle......
Sparks up blowtorch.
Carefully applies generous amounts of heat to recalcitrant nylock F%$£%ING WOOF! the petrol in the void instantly turns to carbon, carbon dioxide and water vapour; so do my eyebrows, eyelashes, nasal hairs (you just can't get away from that smell, can you) most of my beard ('tash survived though - can't fathom that one out), a goodly proportion of my fringe and all my street cred. The snow did prevent the conflagration from spreading too far though. In addition, the flash fire removed the flaky paint from the rear crossmember.Still, it's an ill wind so they say.
Tells children not to eat the yellow and brown snow underneath the landrover!
Retires to the kitchen, picks wife up from the floor once she had stopped laughing her tits off, stops child number one from calling the fire brigade. No sympathy there then. Has lots of coffee and shaves remnant of beard off. Puts on clean underwear. Explains to children 2-4 that only adults are allowed to use those words.
Back to removing tank fortified with dutch courage/bravado and a great deal of crass stupidity.
Used an angle grinder this time, only two rusty/seized 13mm nylocks to remove, should take thirty seconds each. Shame I forgot my goggles...... Now that stung a wee bit. Still, I'm a hard Geordie. Puts goggles on. Fires up grinder again.
At this point, I must remind everyone that I am lying underneath a tank full of about 18gallons of water that is held in place by a single 13mm nylock. I'm also partially blind in one eye and simply cannot get away from the stink of burning hair.
Nut gone, tank drops a couple of feet. Luckily, my head, neck and chest prevented it from hitting the ground too hard. Children 1-4 learn a whole new range of words that only adults are allowed to use. For once, my wife responds to the screams of agony and comes out to see what I'm up to. Between her and the next-door neighbour, they managed to raise the tank up high enough to drag me out.
Job stopped.
Quick trip to Carlisle casualty, really glad I put clean underwear on (damn it my mother was right you know). Ribs are only bruised a wee bit. The right eye mind you has enough scrap mental embedded in to be worth weighing in. Wife still pi£$%^g herself laughing. 4 hours later, scrap metal removed. Go home, get Mildly miffed.
Saturday cancelled due to lack of interest. Well apart from giving the new tank a couple of coats of black Hammerite, putting fuel pump and sender unit in.
Sunday dawns, notices that my ribs are actually blacker than the petrol tank and my right eye has swelled alarmingly. Takes painkillers, lots of painkillers. Not interested in working on landrovers.
Monday arrives and I'm full of vigour (well codein/asprin/paracetomol and ibuprofen).
Heads out to put new, very shiny tank in.
Takes less than half an hour.
Dead chuffed. Puts key in ignition, turns it.
Nothing happens. Battery must be flat.
BUGGER.
Puts jump leads on, still nothing.
BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER.
Starter clicks, must be jammed(actually frozen solid, but lets not quibble over minor details for now)
Taps starter solenoid with big bit of metal and small hammer. Still nothing. Gets bigger hammer from garage.
Smacks big bit of metal with really big hammer really hard.
CRACK
The wretched solenoid housing parts company with the starter. Lots of sparks, bad language blue smoke and bad temper. Contents of toolbox sail majestically into garden undergrowth.
Orders new starter motor over the phone. Gets Mildly miffed and has more painkillers.
Tuesday arrives, new starter motor does not. Spends the day recovering toolbox contents from undergrowth in garden. Very impressed with how far I had flung my half-inch ratchet.
Wednesday and the starter arrives. Sets about removing the old one. Finds that previous owner had no brains, the two bolts that hold the starter in place are:
1.Non standard and different head sizes (alarm bells begin to ring very loudly).
2.Torqued up to about 4000000ft lbs.
3.Brittle as hell due to the cold weather.
Snaps both of them.
BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER
Never mind at least the bloody thing is out.
Top mounting bolt fragment comes out quite easily with a pair of mole grips.
Bottom one is cross threaded
Three hours later and this fragment too is removed (don't ask how, it really would give you nightmares), it was only in by about 10 threads. Runs tap down hole to clean the threads and goes to find two new, correct, bolts. Fits motor. Connects motor.
Puts key in, engine turns over at about 3000rpm.
Job DONE!!!!!
Wife goes to work in it.
AA brings it home on a low loader.
F**K F**K F**K
Nice AA man reckons the wiring to the fuel pump is not well. Actually fried to buggery if you want the truth - I wonder just how hot a blow torch/flash fire flame gets.
Orders necessary wiring and connectors.
Refuse to pay for wife’s taxis to and from work. Buggers’ not laughing now is she.
Friday and the wiring bits arrive. Installed in less than half an hour.
Engine starts, but won't run.
too many BUGGERS to type
Out with the trusty multi meter. Got electrickery at the wiring to the fuel pump, but the pump is not pumping.
more BUGGERS than you can imagine
Contemplate buying a Jap four-wheel drive. Have minor heart attack when I find out how much landrover want for a genuine fuel pump. Order cheap one.
Take petrol tank out (much easier this time and no personal damage) How I love copper slip.
Find out why pump failed, when I stopped the old petrol tank from hitting the ground, by using various parts of my anatomy, the live wire had broken at the point where it enters the fuel pump and is sealed with what appears to be acrylic of some sort. Therefore, it was occasionally making contact, but not all the time.
Never mind new pump installed, tank back in, Landrover works. More or less. The fuel gauge took to telling bigger lies than a MP trying to get elected.
Flash forward several months and more electrical gremlins with the fuel gauge/sender and everything more or less works, fuel gauge still tells porkies, but I now know why, the float is catching on an internal baffle (borrowed a bore scope to work that one out). But for some odd reason I really can't be arsed to take the tank out again to rectify it. Beard, eyebrows, nasal hair has grown back (can still smell burnt hair though)
So all in all it effectively took 7 months to swap out a leaking petrol tank.

My opinion ,never fill a tank with water and think it is safe.Water moves the fumes of the petrol to the top of the tank and outlet ,waiting to be ignited .Rahter fuse the tank by running exhaust gas threw it.just read don't check the spelling