How do I tell my dad he should not be driving anymore

[Swannie1960]

.... and may we all be wise enough to realise when it is time for us to hang up our own keys!

[dirtshark]

He’s your dad.
no beating around the bush. Its easy. Sorry boet. The time has come

LOL.....you obviously haven't seen there

[hbannink]

My grandfather's Brother was our first issue, his eyesight was so bad he could nor see pat the star badge on the grille. The tannie did not have a license and could not operate the controls but she could see out of one eye. The Oompi would do the physical operating of the merc while she would tell him to go faster / slower or turn. they mostly traveled back roads but if a child came after a ball......
A lot of serious negotiations and gentle assurances that the would not be left alone in the retirement village did the traumatic trick

My mother lived in Palm beach and her drives took her to Margate, a trip on the highway of 120km/h, in my book a much better chance of writing off herself or another motorist. In her case she would find herself on the hiway and not know how she got there on occasion. Once again serious but gentle discussions followed and just our luck there was two grand children and their parents that could take her where ever she wanted to go at any time. It became a weekly outing for my brother and her to go shopping on a Friday with the obligatory lunch treat.

The main points I am trying to put out is to do it with much care and love, it is a hugely traumatic experience for them. If at all possible replace it with a suitable alternative. At that age no one wants to be alone and stranded, best of luck.

[Kaptein Jack]

Thank you all.

My dad stays in a retirement village in Durbanville.

Many people there that could drive him around.

But I shall tackle the bull by the horns this weekend and explain your advise..

Will also look at when his drivers license needs to be renewed.....

Thank you

[putta]

Thank you all.

My dad stays in a retirement village in Durbanville.

Many people there that could drive him around.

But I shall tackle the bull by the horns this weekend and explain your advise..

Will also look at when his drivers license needs to be renewed.....

Thank you

I dont envy you, its not easy..... its always difficult as our parents see as their "independence" to drive .....in my case we kept the car and I undertook to see them every alternate day and then made arrangements to cart them around 2 to 4 times a week, but since they have passed on and I have no regrets.... Good Luck ..ps remind them that it is out of concern and love that you want them to stop driving and be available to the grandkids and yu for ,many years to come..

[Estee]

Tough one. I would be more inclined to let the qualified authorities make the call.

Maybe take him for the eye test and see what they say.

Just for interests sake, what are the issues regarding age and driving? Poor eyesight, lack of motor skills, situational awareness, distance judgement, slow reaction times?

[Blikka]

I went through this now with my mom (79). I wanted to take her car 5 years ago already but could not convince her. She lives in Belfast so luckily not much traffic and I must give it to the old lady, not a single accident so could not even use that as an excuse. So I just let her be. She did eventually agree not to drive in the city anymore when she came to visit and I will pick her up and drop her off again.

Now Covid and a simultaneous back op made the decision for her. I sold that car in a flash. With grocery deliveries, internet banking and the retirement village arranging transport she sort of accepted it but I can see she misses her car.

There is no easy way to do this if they do not want to do it. Good luck.

I drove with my mom in the city once. I had terrible gout and asked her to drive me to the pharmacy. Jarrrrr, it was scary!

[MikevR]

This is a tough one. My Dad drove until he was 83 - Just after his 83rd we had a driver for him to drive him around. I am 77 and still driving fine. I know though in a few years I will have to restrict my driving to the farm roads etc, but still ok for now.

The key here is if you feel your Father / Mother is a danger to others on the road you need to act sooner rather than later. I hope you are successfully persuasive.

[Aviator_01]

You just say... "Dad, you should not be driving anymore"

[Prof]

You just say... "Dad, you should not be driving anymore"

Are YOU gonna listen at the time?

[Steady]

You just say... "Dad, you should not be driving anymore"

Do not take this mans advice, he's not wrong, you just need to be a little more tactful. We have just taken my MIL's car away from her, she agrees she should no longer be driving, early onset dementia, but it does not make it any easier. We Buy Cars made it easier for us but she misses her freedom.

[Jeanvn]

Buying the right car might extend the driving lifetime.

Lane keep assist, auto braking and parking should go a long way in avoiding accidents.

[Peter1949]

Maybe by the time I reach this stage there will be the self driving cars etc.
Like Uber but shared transport with others to reduce costs - Covid permitting.

At this time I "only" reverse into "things" from time to time, so I prefer going forward ... probably a good plan.
Jokes aside, it is difficult for anyone to give up their independence in any way.
Our kids are already starting the "move in with us" story, etc.
I think we still have a few years to go. SWAMBO does not and cannot drive anymore, when her current driver's license expires we will not renew it - but then she has a permanently available "taxi" driver on call, as long as we keep going forward.

I fully understand OP's dilemma, - with my MIL when all the corners were knocked off her car it was no longer roadworthy and she sold it.
(Eish).

[dirtshark]

You just say... "Dad, you should not be driving anymore"

You also haven't been there
I tried that after his 5th clutch in his Yaris (courtesy of our drive and his deafness ...........he tazered me!!

[Stan Weakley]

Kaptein, at your Dad's age I would think the usual problem with him driving is his eyesight or perhaps other old-age related frailties or health problems?

I am also presuming that he has a good relationship with his GP and respects his judgement. Have a chat to the GP and then the three of you have a consultation and let the doctor explain to Dad why it is no longer safe for him to drive --- if there are visual/health/frailty problems.

[Predator]

The heading says it..

How does one go about this extremely difficult task?

Easy, just make sure his vehicle is out of order.

My dad (80) and mom drove al the way from Boksburg to PE (my sister) non stop a couple of months ago. Did not tell anyone he is driving down. Scary.

[Ama-newbie]

FWIW, I have made a pact with my son to be honest with me when he sees I've become a danger to myself and others on the road. Trouble is he said that was 2 years ago - Joke (or was it?? )!.

Maybe this is something us older folk should consider - get a close friend or family member to do the same, having agreed to it while we're still of logical and sensible mind. And if we're of the cantankerous type, get it down in writing. I have seen many older folk vehemently argue that they're fine to drive when they're obviously not. I also don't think it has much to do with actual age - it's more a case of bad eyesight, slow reaction times, location and inflated ego. And the fear of loss of independence, of course. Those attributes occur in different people at different times.

Just a thought...

[jonoB]

People I know asked one of the local speedcops in their town to go and drive with his mother, and the speedcop then showed her where she drove in an unsafe manner, and where he would fail a learner driver. This convinced her to hang up her keys.

Im sure that if a speedcop drove with me for a day he would also advise me to hang up my keys...

[jonoB]

Our family had to go through the same thing not too long ago with my grandmother. (87)
She has always had a very bad left eye, but has drastically worsened over the last few years.

She was very accepting when we sat her down and spoke about the dangers to herself and others.
We took her for her annual eye test and it was determined that she is now unfit to drive. After this, she was happy that we had stepped in when we did.

The family now ensures that she is always mobile ( very independent) .

Everything worked out well this time around, but I feel that when my Fathers time comes for this chat it will be a mission to get through to him
I suppose it depends on the personality that you are dealing with? No incorrect or correct way to do it, but a judgement call based on safety for all.

[bigboy529]

I went through this now with my mom (79). I wanted to take her car 5 years ago already but could not convince her. She lives in Belfast so luckily not much traffic and I must give it to the old lady, not a single accident so could not even use that as an excuse. So I just let her be. She did eventually agree not to drive in the city anymore when she came to visit and I will pick her up and drop her off again.

Now Covid and a simultaneous back op made the decision for her. I sold that car in a flash. With grocery deliveries, internet banking and the retirement village arranging transport she sort of accepted it but I can see she misses her car.

There is no easy way to do this if they do not want to do it. Good luck.

I drove with my mom in the city once. I had terrible gout and asked her to drive me to the pharmacy. Jarrrrr, it was scary!

My other grandmother still drove from Middelburg MP to Pretoria while well in to her 80's. One day she just said no more, she will still drive around in town but the long distance trips is too much for her. Around 85 someone drove in to the back of her car in town, whether the accident was her fault was 50-50, it resulted in her basically breaking her neck and having to get a very dangerous neck operation, after that she said no more, so I guess we were lucky with her, she decided for herself.

If I look at both my parents today, I can already see what battle it will be one day should the day come, especially with my mom who's super hardekop.