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Thread: Parents-in law

  1. #1
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    Default Parents-in law

    Hi all. I need some advice and i am sure there are a lot of members with same problem. Sorry if this is not 4x4 related at all.

    Me and my wife (been married for almost a year) are in a bit of a predicament. Her parents lives on a farm about 460km from us. The problem is that i can't get them to come and visit us. They always want us to go there and visit them. Both me and my wife are professional persons and cannot just pack up and go and visit. It may not be my place but i do not think money is an issue for them as they now offered to pay our fuel costs to get us to visit them.

    Now i do not mind visiting them, the farm is a nice place to be and they are a pleasure to be around with, but since we got married, they never once came to visit us or to see where we live ect. Since we got married, we visited them 5 times. Is there something wrong with our house or where we live? I don't know and my wife is taking my side, although her parents keeps on putting pressure on her and her alone, sort of a guilt trip if you will. And it's getting to the point where it causes friction in our lives together.

    So if anyone can give advice, preferably the older members who are parents, so that i can also get an idea of your side of things. How do you experience things like this.

    Thank you again and a happy weekend to all.

  2. #2
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    Delicate stuff.

    A farm can be a b!tch.
    Is it practical and possible for them to leave the farm (unattended) for a week or 2?

    Ask your good lady to have a heart to heart with her mum or dad to try and get behind the true facts. Could it be that they might (wrongly) see her as (still) their baby - incapable of doing her own thing properly and independently.

    Open, but honest and sensitive approaches are very difficult for most of us. Even us old folks.
    Eggie.

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    Also - from lessons learned - depending on their age. For older people to travel that distance could be a real pain.

    But - have a chat with then next time you are there, and try to set a special date - a BDay or Christmas or something, and get them to commit to come visit, but try and make it a few days - at least a week.
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    This is a touchy situation.As your wife is being put under pressure,let her nicely explain that the visit story works both ways.You do not mind go there and enjoy it,but they need to do the same,and visit you guys.Let her also in n nice way explain your situation and that it is also not that easy for you guys to go to them,but you make the sacrifice.
    Hope things work out.
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    The quickest way to a solution would be to contact them yourself and explain your side. See what their suggestion is in regards to solving the problem and maybe reach a compromise? But make sure that you tell them that you don't appreciate their guilt trips etc and that they should be mature enough to discuss something openly.

    Remember, you and your wife first, then the in laws(of both parties) and then the extended family.

    Good luck!

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    Just don't expect them to visit during the week while you are working and not at home to entertain them.
    Last edited by Spook; 2013/03/22 at 11:30 AM.
    "If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost"

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    In-Laws not wanting to visit? Sounds like heaven on earth. OOPS - a little harsh.

    Serious though, we had a similar issue. I would suggest getting it sorted ASAP in what ever open way you can. Once / if you have kids it complicates the matter no end, and makes travelling even more difficult for you and family. so jump on this one and get it sorted.

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    NicOos, Higgins, Eggie, thank you all for your inputs. Its always great to hear the other side of the story from the older folk. Appreciate your time and suggestions.

    It seems that one should rather consider a careful approach to this situation (if i understand you correctly) because i do not really know the reason for their absence.

    Roelof B, thank you as well. I agree with you in respect of me and my wife first, then parents, then other relatives. It might sound a bit old fashioned, but i am going to stand by what me and the misses decided, next one is on them. They are not that old, i think the old man is 48 and the old woman 45.

    I will have a chat with them at a later stage about this. Seems to be more effective then.

    Thanks alot all

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    Quote Originally Posted by Damassel View Post
    It might sound a bit old fashioned, but i am going to stand by what me and the misses decided, next one is on them.
    Maybe just get in your car one more time and go see them, and have an open discussion with all 4 of you present...and put your cards on the table.

    PS - I messed this up when I was your age...don't make the same mistake.
    Nic


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    The way I handle things pertaining to the in laws, get SWAMBO to sort it out. It is after all her side of the family.

    She should just ask them straight what the reason is why they don't want to visit and always want you to visit them. Then work off what they said.

    I'm not one for these fuzzy-feeling open hearted discussions. Not even with my own parents, never mind the in laws.

    But as Spook said, they would not like visiting when you are working. So if they do come during a week, you will have to take leave anyways. So that is probably why they prefer you coming to them. Hey, they will sponsor petrol. Take a nice long detour.
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    Ha.... i cant get mine to leave!!....


    ok ok just kidding!!...
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    Default My in-laws doesn't visit

    We live in the West Rand and my in-laws in Jbay.
    They don't come to visit us either, even thou 3 of the 4 children lives within a 100km radius.

    We try and visit them at least once a year and if they don't come and visit, that is their problem. The sad part is that they only see my children then once a year. But that is also their choice.

    In the 11 years we have lived in Gauteng they came to visit maybe 3 times, one of which was for our wedding.

    I might be a little harsh, but a relationship does not come from one side....

    When MIL complains that she doesn't know what is happening in our lives, I simply tell her that is her choice as she has almost 4 weeks of leave in a year (they will visit friends in Bloem, but won't do the extra 400km to visit us).

    I found that being straight forward works, but it might not for you.

    Good luck, hope you get it sorted.

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    Hi, Interesting fred.
    I only got married at 50..... yea I know - heard them all.
    Both our parents are far away.
    We fly them sometimes - not enough tho.
    .
    Maybe it is something about the drive to Oshaks
    .

    can WE all visit the farm
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    any "vibes" ??


    do they travel to other people ??


    OR, are they actually just tied down to the farm ?



    I have a friend that spent most of his career getting a small farm going, as a retirement package ..... Now they are "stuck" on the farm !! Leaving the farm for a week or two just is not an option, anything more than 2 or 3 days and they return to some or other "damage" .....

    OR as was mentioned earlier - some older people just dont like traveling ......


    DO hope you find some way to resolve this - once those kids come along the grand parents MUST be part of your regular lives .....
    Last edited by Elders; 2013/03/23 at 06:35 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Damassel View Post
    Hi all. I need some advice and i am sure there are a lot of members with same problem. Sorry if this is not 4x4 related at all.

    Me and my wife (been married for almost a year) are in a bit of a predicament. Her parents lives on a farm about 460km from us. The problem is that i can't get them to come and visit us. They always want us to go there and visit them. Both me and my wife are professional persons and cannot just pack up and go and visit. It may not be my place but i do not think money is an issue for them as they now offered to pay our fuel costs to get us to visit them.

    Now i do not mind visiting them, the farm is a nice place to be and they are a pleasure to be around with, but since we got married, they never once came to visit us or to see where we live ect. Since we got married, we visited them 5 times. Is there something wrong with our house or where we live? I don't know and my wife is taking my side, although her parents keeps on putting pressure on her and her alone, sort of a guilt trip if you will. And it's getting to the point where it causes friction in our lives together.

    So if anyone can give advice, preferably the older members who are parents, so that i can also get an idea of your side of things. How do you experience things like this.

    Thank you again and a happy weekend to all.

    If you say they live on a farm, do you mean your FIL is a farmer? If so, does he have a farm foreman that can look after the farm while they are gone? Or does he have loyal and good employees whom he can trust to keep the farm going while away? But I know the frustration very well.


    With my ex, we always had to go visit her mom. She never wanted to drive here. And my ex swambo didn't do the "I stand by my man" thing, so I was alone. I sorted this problem quickly when I decided that until she visited I will not drive there again. And I told it to my ex MIL straight. Wasn't 2 months till she visited us.

    More current, after meeting current swambo and then shacking up, her parents also wanted us to visit them. Never other way round because my FIL works shifts and does a lot of stand by, so whenever he has an off weekend he doesn't want to drive. That also quickly changed after swambo and I decided to play the guilt trip on them. We also put our foot down and said that until they visited us, we won't be seeing them again. (It works much easier if you have children, believe me )
    Now it's sorted. My in laws have been here twice this year, and I've been there once.

    Do try to work this out, especially for swambo's sake.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisF View Post
    any "vibes" ??


    do they travel to other people ??


    OR, are they actually just tied down to the farm ?



    I have a friend that spent most of his career getting a small farm going, as a retirement package ..... Now they are "stuck" on the farm !! Leaving the farm for a week or two just is not an option, anything more than 2 or 3 days and they return to some or other "damage" .....

    OR as was mentioned earlier - some older people just dont like traveling ......


    DO hope you find some way to resolve this - once those kids come along the grand parents MUST be part of your regular lives .....
    Chris, surely not, then you are a prisoner on your own farm.
    I would just ask the parents the simple question, we would like you to come and visit us.
    If the answer is no, then ask why and try to get the answer out of them. It isnt a trick or difficult question. The answer might be a simple one that cn be rectified, like they are scared of the dog, or are in trouble with the police in your area.
    But to hum and ha isnt going to solve things, get it sorted, dont put off things for tomorrow that should be done today.
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  17. #17
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    Damassel,
    Let me give you my 2 cent from a parent's perspective. Some parents feel they have the right to be the "parent" and the kids will always be the kids irrespective of their age. The parents then feel they can still "run" the kid's lives and by paying for stuff, they sort of have the right to demand things. Not saying this is the case but it is a fairly common mindset in our culture. I know that it took a lot from me to stand back and allow my kids to make their little mistakes in life without interfering. Good thing you and your wife agree on the same thing. Remember, she is your best friend for life.

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    I have a mother-in law that you can have for as long as u want,she lives with us due to circumstances on her sideMy folks have visited us about 4 times in 2 yrs and we stay roughly 70km away.Okay my dad and mom are pensioners so money is a bit tight even though I have offered to pay for fuel and the old man is in his 70's.The kids love visiting there so it kind of balances as I get away from the MIL.If it effects u lot have a hearty chat,as said by the advice ,don't procastinate sort out,it may be a small prob.
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    Another question. How's your relationship with the in laws

    Because with ex swambo, my dad only came to my house once. And we live within a 1km radius. In the night when he came from the shop, I'll hear him stop outside and give my dogs the food that was left over from the shop. But he wouldn't come in. When I wanted to give me something I either had to fetch it at their home, or he'll call and I'll meet him outside. The first time my dad ever set foot in my house again was after we've split up and she moved away. Now with current swambo, I can't keep them away.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ehlersjohann View Post
    Another question. How's your relationship with the in laws

    Because with ex swambo, my dad only came to my house once. And we live within a 1km radius. In the night when he came from the shop, I'll hear him stop outside and give my dogs the food that was left over from the shop. But he wouldn't come in. When I wanted to give me something I either had to fetch it at their home, or he'll call and I'll meet him outside. The first time my dad ever set foot in my house again was after we've split up and she moved away. Now with current swambo, I can't keep them away.
    You are still young and seem to be going through swambos like we go through beer
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